Of course, this “bad” can be anything – stupid, worthless, ugly, fat, a liar, angry, the list is endless. But the idea is the same: even if we haven’t seen our parents in decades, in many ways we are still children, living under their influence. We are still seeking their approval or disapproval in ways that don’t always make sense to our logical mind.
This might sound stupid, but please think about it a little. When I first discovered this strange line of reasoning in myself, many months ago, it made no sense, and I thought I was mistaken. I didn’t do anything with what I found, so this limitation remained inside me for far too long. But I was recently reading Honoring the Self, by Nathaniel Branden, and he described this exact same paradox – and stated that it was one of the most common things he has seen in therapy, if you know what to look for.
When we can see this in ourselves, things begin to change, and we slowly become our own person. Please take a moment now to think about this, to see how it applies in your own life. There is a tendency to get locked into examples, so it is a good idea to investigate before we discuss any further.
Let’s describe this with an example, with details changed to protect privacy. Samuel was recently promoted to a job with higher pay and responsibilities. This was something he had longed for, and he was feeling fantastic about it – for about a day. Then, he began feeling uncertainty. The closer he got to his goal, the more this uncertainty turned into fear, and he began to sabotage himself. These acts of self-sabotage were minor at first, not enough for him to lose his promotion, but eventually he began acting out in bigger and bigger ways. In the end, he not only lost his promotion, but endangered his entire job. This was a pattern he had followed for most of his adult life.
Strangely, this made him feel safe; he was back in his comfort zone. It actually felt wrong for him to have a secure job. Even though it was scary, being in financial danger felt right to him.
While there were many reasons for this, his parents were one of the strongest factors. They had always hinted to him that he was worthless, useless, and he will never do well in anything he tried to do. Now, we’ve all heard of someone who became very driven to achieve because their parents told them they were useless; they want to prove their parents wrong. But this was different – Sam realised one day that he unconsciously wanted to prove them right by always having to live in financial fear. To be a good son, he could not contradict his parents; he could not prove them wrong.
Interestingly, the opposite is often true. Just as we do things – consciously and unconsciously – to get the approval of a childhood authority, we might live our entire lives in a certain way, just to spite them!
I was discussing this issue with a psychoanalyst, who described the tendency perfectly in the expression “cutting off the nose to spite the face.” This tendency refers to an act of revenge where we hurt ourselves even more than we hurt the other person. For instance, Sam might unconsciously choose to get fired out of spite – “If you think I am worthless, well I WILL just be COMPLETELY worthless, then!”
If this sounds irrational, keep in mind that most of these are impulses and tendencies from our childhood. We have never grown out of them. They lie just below our awareness, silently influencing us even as adults.
Can you see why it is a good idea to do some thinking before we continue? Because of this example, the mind might start searching in the area of work, and ignore other possibilities. But these can be seen in every area of life. So, take a moment now to do some searching.
If you can’t think of anything, here are some tips. But again, these lines of inquiry might lock you in, so only use them if you are stuck.